“I just wanted to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by embracing the inner nerd in all of us and taking the liberty of researching a short history of our good friend, St. Patrick!
St. Patrick was born in 340 A.D. He is the official patron saint of 30 year old male douchebags who drink for fifteen hours straight; wear ugly, plastic, green hats; and go to college bars and try to sleep with innocent 21 year old girls who just want to be left alone. You can find his complete history at wwwstpatricksdayfuckingsucksandonlyretardsactuallycelebrateit.com.
YAY FOR GREEN BEER!”
I sent that email out two years ago and my feelings on the holiday haven’t changed at all. It’s still a fake holiday full of absolute tools getting wasted for no reason whatsoever and terrorizing the people who weren’t fucking dumb enough to throw some green on. For as long as I can remember, I’ve worn orange and/or plaid to show how painfully WASP I am. I know it’s crazy to say, but wearing green doesn’t make you Irish, it makes you retarded.
In short, my Bible.
1) All of you are American, regardless of your heritage. Irish people are embarrassed of you for claiming to be Irish today.
2) I had an African-American coworker in college who wore green on SPD. When I came to work in a purple oxford and a madras tie, she called me out on not wearing green, saying “Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day!” I stared blankly at her.
My heritage is Scottish, Swedish, and German; in short, I couldn’t be more Protestant. Catholics wear green and Protestants wear orange. Not that I even identify with the Christian faith any more. To be honest, it’s more a “fuck you” to American society. You can not force me to wear green simply because of the impending threat of a fucking pinch. How dare you kowtow children into wearing this color every year? There is no designated color for Cinco de Mayo (which, coincidentally, doesn’t even matter in Mexico), nor for any other ethnic or racial holiday we have in America. Why should the Irish be so fucking special?
To sum up, I have always and will always hate St. Patrick’s Day. So go fuck yourselves.
How charming. Discuss.