My sheer joy and ecstasy at seeing that raging freak Andrew pack his knives and go this week was completely tampered by the fact that now I know Spike will make it to the end. Since Jordan Baker decided to gift me with spoilers and tell me that the girl with curly hair and boy with a beard make it far in the game, she convinced me that it would be Steph and Andrew at the end. Since Andrew went home last night, that means I have to stomach another five or so episodes of that douche Spike. To be honest, “douche” isn’t a strong enough word, and cunt has a misogynistic tone to it. What can I use to easily convey how much I hate every fiber of Spike? Even “fucktard” doesn’t truly get across how much I can’t stand to see him or hear his voice. I guess we’ll have to work on that.
As always, Casa de Chef opens the episode, and this time we have five chefs commenting on life and the game. Guess we’ll know who to expect at the Judges Table. Steph is talking about Nikki going home and the competition getting harder and Blaise basically reiterates the same notion. Spike immediately whines about Dale being a bitch, when, in reality, it is Spike who owns that crown whole-heartedly. Not to steal from Jordan, but there are only so many ways to say “Pot, meet kettle. Guess what color you share?” Dale then interviews about how everyone is bitching about him and he couldn’t care less. Finally, Andrew is his usual attention whore self and discusses the freaking out of all of the chefs. He then gifts us with the wonderful information of the fact that he’ll either stab someone or make some food. Great to know! Glad to know those are your only options, bud.
Quickfire Challenge has Sam from Season 2 as the guest judge. Did they run out of talent? Seriously, the point of this show is creating competition between talenting chefs and spreading haute cuisine to America, especially by introducing different judges from several culinary backgrounds. So you had to mine the depths of your own show to get a judge? Half-assed. I’m calling you out on your bullshit, Top Chef. Make it better next week. And I know a lot of girls get wet when Sam walks on screen, but he’s really not that attractive. His face is busted, and he’s pretty much a douche, he’s just not as obvious about as Spike, Andrew, Marcel, Ilan, et cetera. Moving on from my rampant bitterness, the Quickfire in this episode is to bring the sexy back to salad. Padma, while the chefs spend forty five minutes making a salad, I want you to spend that time desperately searching for more up to date catch phrases and cultural references.
What Sam sees when he looks in the mirror. Right next to what we see, douchey hair and all.
The only thing of note from the challenge is that Lisa whines in an interview about how there are certain people left in the competition who don’t deserve to be there and have personalities that suck. Seriously. Is it possible for one person to be that oblivious? You are easily one of the least likable contestants in the history of the show, which you’ll prove later in the episode, and you’ve been in the bottom heap several times this season. Get back to your disgusting salad of bananas and lobsters and leave the real commenting to the professionals.
The final dishes that everyone produces as their version of a sexy salad are as follows –
Andrew – A fruit salad of strawberries, raspberries, mangoes and Sriracha. Sounds nauseating.
Spike – Calling it a “Sensual Beef Salad,” Spike douchily mixes skirt steak with cucumbers, radishes, and pineapple.
Lisa – Just because you call it sexy doesn’t mean it’s not disgusting. Grilled squid, bananas, lobster, and a yuzu vinaigrette made me want to vomit from my couch without so much as smelling the dish.
Steph – Fall Duet of artichokes and poached pears with a pear vinaigrette, but couldn’t get her artichoke chips on the plate in time.
Antonia – Poached eggs with wild mushrooms over squash blossoms and a bacon vinaigrette. That actually sounds really good, to be honest.
Blaise – Makes an Outkast shout out with his Fresh and Clean seviche of fruits and vegetables.
Dale – Sticking to his Asian roots as always, Dale goes with a Poached Chicken salad with sake, nori paste, mirin, and a rice wine vinaigrette. Wouldn’t one think that using a rice wine vinaigrette with sake be a tad redundant?
Sam, for some ungodly reason, gets to pick the winners and losers. Being the salad expert that he is, he chooses Blaise, Steph, and Lisa for the bottom three, and Dale, Antonia, and Spike for the top three. Because Jesus hates me, Spike is declared the winner for the first time, and since he doesn’t get immunity, Padma informs him he’ll get an advantage in the Elimination Challenge. He gloats like the douchebucket he is and Sam loses all credibility to the world of haute cuisine.
Padma explains that the Challenge will be to make a box lunch for the cadets at the Chicago Police Academy and that the dishes have to be nutritious for the cops. Every dish has to have a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. Spike’s advantage gives him 10 extra minutes to shop before everyone else. In addition, the four ingredients he chooses from the list will be barred from everyone else’s dishes. Because Spike is Spike and sucks at life, he chooses this as an opportunity not to help himself, but to fuck everyone else over. The other chefs expect this and react accordingly – choosing better ingredients and commenting on how low brow Spike and his ingredients are. Seriously, if you think people can’t make lunch without chicken, lettuce, tomato, or bread, then you’re fucking retarded. Next time you head to Whole Foods, try to buy some imagination or creativity. Or at least a new personality.
The chefs get back to the kitchen and have two hours to cook, pack, and move out to the academy. Turns out that their dish will be microwaved by the fuzz. So there’s that. Cooking ensues, and Antonia calls Dale out on going Asian for 57th time. Yet again, she wins major points; she’s sharp and hilarious, and I feel a crush developing. Lisa complains that her shrimp are high in cholesterol so she might technically be breaking the rules. I don’t think it’s the rules she needs to worry about – her food really sucks. At this point, Lisa goes apeshit and screams “THIS IS SABOTAGE!!!” The burner on the stove where her rice was cooking has been turned to high, so some of her rice is burned and some of it is undercooked. Steph notes that it was probably just a simple mistake and Dale agrees that Lisa is most likely just covering her own ass.
Moving to the academy, the editors want to highlight how hardcore the Popo are by showing push ups and playing hardcore music. Antonia cracks another joke about not being intimidated because they’re normal people and she has no outstanding parking tickets, thus solidifying herself in third place of my favorites and giving Blaise some tough competition for the number two spot. The chefs start to take out their boxes, and while Blaise markets his meal, Spike whines about how he thinks Rich sucks. Odd how Spike can whine about someone doing something and make it into a defect, but when he does the same thing, it’s genius. He then goes on to only put two plates on his table to make his dish seem more popular than it really was, but doesn’t really go to any effort to hide the dozens he has behind him.
Final dishes for the Thin the Bacon Challenge –
Steph made a mushroom and meatball soup with barley, vegetable puree, and yogurt. The meat is a mystery, but the soup is wildly popular and the judges comment on how well seasoned it is.
Spike makes a chicken salad with grapes and olives, and on the side is a pita and raw vegetables. Ted and Tom whine about how bland and lacking the dish is, and Sam points out that he “used,” and I utilize that word loosely, the ingredients just to block the other chefs. Padma calls the food “pedestrian,” which I will now be exploiting to insult and harass those I deem unworthy.
Dale makes a lemongrass bison lettuce wrap with brown rice and herb salad. The judges love it and say the texture and flavor are great. They think it could use some heat, and I don’t know if that means it could use another minute in the microwave, or that they would prefer a spicier bison. Either way, I would love this dish, and can’t get over how much I enjoy bison.
Antonia turns filet mignon into a curry beef with jasmine rice and a side of berries and figs with grape syrup. The judges love the beef.
Andrew makes a salmon sushi roll with parsnip slash pine nut “rice” and pickled ginger wasabi. Ted is clearly uncomfortable at Andrew’s table and obviously can’t stand talking to him. I love Ted more as a result of this. Nameless cop says “This is good, just messy.” The judges find it strange.
Blaise created a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa in a rice paper burrito. Apparently it tastes better than it looks.
Finally, that scaly sea hag Lisa offers up a shrimp stir-fry with brown rice, berries, and Greek yogurt. She’s nervous about the rice, and sure enough, Padma brings her to Front Street with the shitty rice. The judges say it’s spicy, but okay. Per my notes, there is no mention of badly cooked shrimp.
Right before we head to Judges Table, Andrew realizes that he broke the rules by not using a grain. Shock of shocks, guess who ends up in the bottom? Dale and Steph are top two, and Dale wins for his bison lettuce wrap, which I would most likely inhale if given the chance. The bottom three are Dale, Lisa, and Spike, which makes my heart explode with euphoria. My dreams have come true and the three worst contestants are in the bottom. Can’t go wrong with these choices. Andrew’s sushi dish wasn’t hearty enough for a Donut Whore’s lunch. They verbally bitchsmack him over the fact that his food just wasn’t filling. Spike gets slammed for taking the sabotage route with his advantage ingredients and Spike douchily whines that his food is meant for the common people and can’t be appreciated by the more educated palates of the judges. So….basically you just called yourself out on consistently making shitty food that only an ignorant and untrained person would find to be adequate. Great play, Shakespeare. Tom tells him it sucks, Spike responds with the ever classy, “In your opinion,” and Tom obliterates him with “Unfortunately for you, my opinion’s what matters.” Best. Top. Chef. Moment. Ever.
Lisa is pissy before they even start to grill her and refuses to offer a reason why she would be in the bottom three. She pulls the sabotage card out about the rice, and Tom sympathizes, but points out that her shrimp still sucked, which they never commented on at the tasting. Not that I mind, though, because she could stand to be knocked down a few pegs. At this point, just before the bottom three leave for deliberation, the poo hits the fan. Lisa throws Andrew under the bus and notes that he didn’t even follow the rules about the Core Four since he didn’t use a whole grain. Understandably, Andrew doesn’t respond too well to this.
Sam discusses some more about how he hates Spike, which redeems him a tad in my mind. The judges talk about how they hated Lisa’s food, but Andrew did technically break the rules. This entire time, the editors have interspersed an argument in the pantry between Andrew and Lisa. I hate to admit it, but Andrew is right – own up to your own dish and leave everyone else out of it. Don’t throw other people under the bus and don’t make excuses for mediocre food. A real chef would take responsibility for their mistakes.
Andrew is finally told to pack his knives and go, which should have happened weeks ago, and I actually yelled out of glee. Andrew interviews that he represented himself well on the show and that he won’t talk to anyone ever again…”except for Spike, Spike’s mad cool.” At this point, I wrote “Do the world a favor and kill yourself before you get a chance to breed. You are the definition of a tool, and if I ever met you in person, I’d punch you in the face.”
Next week – THE HOLE! Nameless and ethnically ambiguous woman tells the chefs they’re in the hole, which is presumably a restaurant’s line. Line cook = horrendous job. Then Padma tells them that Restaurant Wars are back on, which is technically cheating. Screaming ensues, and I’m guessing from the preview that it’s Dale/Spike/Lisa versus Antonia/Steph/Blaise. Basically, crap versus perfection.